Clarity's rantings and ravings

He is now out of jail and able to attempt contact with me. I'm doing surprisingly well at being strong. What helps is my oldest daughter is here and my baby girl is back. Nothing makes you strong as love of family.

All I want is to get his stuff out of here and wash my hands of the whole thing. I keep remembering the good times, but then remembering all of the bad times too. There were a lot of bad times. More than I've ever experienced in my lifetime. It was always one bad thing after another. I think the man is seriously jinxed.

So the whiny story is that he has not want to drink anymore. He knows he fucked up and will accept what I decide. Yet he keeps sending me messages that he loves me and he's sorry, yada-yada. Don't wanna hear it. I'll give you your shit.

No, you don't get the damn car. No, you can't have the pug. You're lucky I'm nice enough to give you back your clothes, movies and computer. I could have called Goodwill and had them pick up the whole lot. But I'm not that mean. I have a conscience. I just want my life back. My HAPPY life back with all the friends that you alienated with your drunken actions. The life where I always had a smile on my face. You can't give me that. You don't make me happy anymore. The words you have said over the years still stick in my brain. My eye is still purple from the blow you dealt me. I will not live in fear of when you will take your next drink. Of the next time you decide to berate my past. I can't take the chance of you turning on Emily. I just can't.

I'd like to think we can eventually hang out as friends, but at this point I don't know if I can do that. Your life has been all about the good times and drinking. Mine is about my kids. My family. My friends. If for some God-forsaken reason I ever ended up in jail, I'd have at least 10 people there to bail me out because I haven't even come close to exhausting all my options. You have. Your are so close to the bottom that you could reach down and touch it. But I don't think you're quite there yet. You will keep spiraling until you kill yourself or drink yourself to death. I don't want to be around watching that happen. I don't want Emily to be around watching that happen.

Life goes on. Relationships begin, relationships end. Ours has ended. Deal with it and move on. Don't try to make me feel guilty about my decision.

Enough said for now.

I finally told my parents. What made it harder is my dad just had to put his mother in a nursing home this week. I listened to his story about how everything came about and tried to be as supportive as possible. My grandmother is 91 and has been living by herself all this time. She is one extremely strong and independent woman, but since her brother died, she slipped into a funk. Laid in bed, didn't eat, just basically gave up. Depression does that to people, but I never expected it from her. She has always been a rock. But, considering that she can't move too well on her own, can't stand for too long, therefore making it hard for her to cook for herself, or even clean up, this was the only option they had.

After that, my dad asked how "we" were. Hardest thing I've had to tell them in a long time. But... he's an awesome dad. He listened to me without judging. Told me he loved me and that he was proud of me for being so strong. Then the phone was handed to my mom. I almost broke down in tears before I could get the words out. We talked for a good hour. She also told me that she is proud of me and that I shouldn't have waited so long to tell her. That I can tell her anything. I know that I can, but it's still hard for me to admit defeat yet again to my mother. Not that I'm afraid of being judged, or getting yelled at, just because... I really don't know how to put it in words. Growing up, I never feared being spanked or getting grounded. I was more fearful of disappointing my mom or making her sad. I love her that much.

Anyhow, just another day in the healing process.

It hurts. I hurt. Yet someone that I thought was a friendly shoulder does nothing but bitch about their situation.

So you drank on the job and robbed them blind. Therefore getting fired. Drink another 30 pack you stupid fuck.

Let's concentrate on me. Not your stupid redneck ass.

So not a friend.

Selfish motherfucker. Just like my soon to be ex-husband.

Drink yourself to death. Just like Chris. Revolve your life around alcohol. Just leave me the fuck alone. I have my own troubles. Much worse than yours.

Why the fuck does bad shit happen to me?

I'm a good person. Really.

I can watch whatever I want on TV.
The TV is always at a reasonable volume.
I can make phone calls without being rudely interrupted.
I haven't bought ANY liquor.
I haven't had to pick up dirty socks off the floor.
There are no more dirty shirts wedged in the couch.
The kitchen is STILL clean.
There are no nasty facial hairs all over the sink.
I can find my razor.
No more loud snoring.
No mean comments directed toward me.
None of the lights get left on.
I don't have to play chauffeur anymore.
I paid a bill with money that normally would have been spent on booze.
No stories of how good life was with his ex-wife.
I can always find the brush and my hair ties.
No more slipping in the bathroom after he showers.
The toilet is amazingly clean, as is the floor around it.
No more wet towels left on the bed.
No more nasty alcohol death breath.
I'm reading again.
I can watch a movie all the way through without constant chatter in my ear about what movie they were in, which picture they directed, the meaning of colors in movies, etc.
I have had no desire to drink.
I'm looking forward to spending the rest of the summer with my Emily.
No more spilled drinks or spilled ashtrays.
I can see the top of my coffee table.
No more tripping over shoes in the middle of the floor.
No more food or food wrappers thrown in the kitchen sink instead of 2 feet away in the trashcan.
No more movies or games left out of the case and all over the floor.
No more re-living his "glory days".
No more watching the man I love(d) slowly poison himself.
No more worrying about "blackouts" and what the results will be.

I could go on forever.

But, I miss...
The intelligent conversations we used to have before the drinking got out of control.
His family. They were always so awesome to me and my daughter.
Playing Scrabble, backgammon or poker all the time.
Watching old movies together. Especially Cary Grant movies.
Laughing together over stupid comedy movies.

I can do this.
I can admit defeat in yet another marriage.
I can go on with my life and make it so much better.
I can be a good role model for my daughter.
I can make her life wonderful.
I can make my life wonderful.
I simply can.

I guess I start by saying that I will soon be a single mom again.

I'm cutting because this is long...

( Divorce )

This winter has been absolutely awful. I can't tell you how many 2 to 4 hour trips to and from work I have had. My normal drive time is around an hour. I take Emily to see her dad for the weekend and what do you know... IT STARTS SNOWING ON THE WAY HOME!!! *sigh* Spring can't come soon enough for this girl! At least it's a little warmer than Thursday and Friday. It was so cold they canceled school both days. Of course I still had to work. Hmmph. Thursday morning I woke up to -17 degree weather. About 30 miles west of here it was about -30 not including wind chill.

Does anyone else in the midwest remember back in 95 or 06 when it got so cold that when you tossed a glass of water in the air it hit the ground frozen? Yep. I do. If it weren't for kids and family I'd totally move somewhere warmer. Not to warm though, I think I prefer cold to huge ass bugs! And snakes.

So... my cat scan revealed a "mass" in my liver and the veins in my ovaries are 4 times the size they should be. They said the "mass" was benign but they need to run more tests. Yep. Little bit broke here lately so the test will have to wait a bit. Doc says it's nothing too bad, yet. Yeah, the "yet" part scares me.

The hubby has been confirmed as having diverticulitis. It is draining into his urinary tract therefore causing major problems. More tests and doctor visits to come! This getting older sucks ass, I tell you.

Emily has been moved to 8th grade advanced math and is still maintaining a B+ grade. I think we have a math wiz on our hands considering she's only in 6th grade. Her last report card was friggin' awesome. So proud of that little stinker. She has really come out of her shell lately. So entertaining with all her little stories. I've never encountered a child with such an imagination as her. The stories she writes are amazingly detailed. She also reads constantly. Something I never really did as a kid. Probably because I was too busy with sports, band, vocal, cheerleading and all that fun stuff.

So tonight I stopped to drop off an energy drink to the hubby at work. I had to drive around the parking lot 3 times to find a place to park. Thank God he works for the one restaurant chain that is actually not being affected by this economic downturn. They're actually expanding. I don't expect to be picking him up until around midnight or so since they were so busy. The wait was over an hour when I was there at 6:30. Guess people like their unlimited salad and bread sticks.

I've been reminiscing lately about people I have known in my life. Have actually caught back up with a few people from high school. The cool ones anyway. Not the stuck up people that now have no life. Homecoming Queen is now 4 of what she used to be. Homecoming King is now unhappily married from what I hear. *shrug* I miss some of the people I used to talk to a lot, others not so much. It sucks when politics ruin things. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm basically happy with life as it is. I could stand having a little more money. In a few weeks my eldest daughter turns 18. I feel really old now! But, it does mean the end of the $87 a week child support. Of course I'll send money if she needs it, but that will definitely help the household finances.

On the new apartment, I HATE IT!!! Dining room and hallway lights won't work. They just make this buzzing sound when you turn them on and the lights flicker on and off. We can't control the temperature so it's either way too hot or way too cold, like now. We have zero water pressure so showers suck. Have you ever tried rinsing shampoo and conditioner out of your hair with barely a trickle? Trust me, it's not fun. The downstairs neighbors are constantly having parties into the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, makes me a little tired and grumpy the next day after getting no sleep and getting up at 5am to start my morning commute. There is vomit on the stairs that has been there for 2 days now. Now, if me or one of my family had an accident on the stairs I'd clean it up right away. That's just me though. Bah, enough of the complaining. We'll get out of here soon. Very soon, hopefully. Just have to talk the landlord out of our lease.

Sheesh. It's been a while since I've written anything on here and look what I did... I wrote a novel! Sorry for rambling on and boring you.

I'm going to go veg out on the couch and see what's on the TV until he calls for me to pick him up. Life sucks when you only have 1 car!

Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya'!

<3

As I'm slowly making my way to work in the wonderful snowstorm that Mother Nature has decided to bestow upon us, a 4x4 truck comes FLYING by me and splashing my entire car with nasty, slimy, dirty, thick slush from the road. He gets a middle finger from me then I go back to concentrating on my 35 mph drive.

I get up the Kennedy Expressway about a mile and the dumbass had spun out, hit the I-294 bridge and is now in the middle of the expressway, facing the wrong way with his smashed up truck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Oh sorry, I shouldn't laugh at his totaled truck.)

Stupid people that actually think 4 wheel drive is useful in these inclement conditions need to be put in their place once in a while. I hope he has good insurance...

Anyhow, I made it to work in less time than normal because traffic was a steady 30-35 mph. Made it to work in an hour as opposed to my normal 90 minute morning commute. Hmm. Maybe some of us actually LISTEN to the people on the radio telling us to either stay home if you can or keep your speed under 35. It's morons like that guy that drive our insurance rates through the roof in the Chicagoland area.

The snow is perfect snowball making snow. A little bit too wet for a snowman (boo-hoo). I have a feeling that the people who actually decided to drive in to work today may be having a little fun later this morning in the snow. Yeah, we're a fun bunch. Hence the reason that I stay even though my commutes can be a little trying at times.

Emily had her Holiday concert last night at 7pm. We were worried that when it was over we'd be buried in snow, but it didn't start until after we went to bed. She actually got to announce/explain one of the songs! She did SO GOOD! I am so proud of that little girl!!!!!

When we got home we had an awesome dinner waiting for us. Thick breaded pork chops, baked potatoes and green beans. A meal fit for a queen and her princess!

I suppose I should actually attempt to do some work today. Our Holiday party is this afternoon so I only have a few hours to get things done. I just had to share my little snow story though.

*hugs*
Amy

Four hours to drive home last night. Mind you, my normal drive is usually around an hour.

This morning? Almost 2 hours.

Tomorrow? Yet to be seen. Supposed to get icy and snowy around 3pm. Great! I don't leave work until 4:30.

This has me really re-thinking the job 30 miles from home... The pay and benefits are really, really good and I love what I do. But those 4 hour trips home really make me think. Is it really worth a normal 2 hours worth of driving a day for this?

One thing stopping me is the economy. If I left for another company I'd be the newb. First in line to be cut. Here I've proven myself. They like me and the quality of work I put out.

Dunno.

Moving closer to work is an option because I need to be close to surrounding counties where taxes are a LOT less than Cook County.

Time for me to wrap it up. I'm done making up for being late due to the road conditions.

*hugs*

I have a burn on the back of my right hand 'cuz I hit it on the side of the oven while removing the pizzas last weekend. It doesn't hurt but looks nasty. That'll leave a mark.

I am SO GLAD to finally be out of that Hell hole I called an apartment for over 4 years. I left a lot of crap I really didn't need. They can clean the shit up. I waited to have my carpets cleaned, never done, so I did it myself. I asked for the kitchen to be painted, never done so I did it myself. HUGE mirrored closet door fell on my daughter and shattered... asked for it to be fixed and/or replaced, never done. Garbage disposal never really worked. Light in the bathroom shorted out so I fixed it. The list is too long. Anyhow, let's just say I don't feel the least bit bad about leaving the mess that I did. 4 years, never late on rent, never caused any problems. Fuck 'em.

The new place is friggin' awesome! It's right close to downtown Palatine so everything we need is within walking distance. Even a Half Price Book store! *squee!* It's slightly smaller but compared to what we were dealing with, it's worth it. Had to get rid of our lab mix because the landlord didn't want any "larger" dogs. She was getting up there in age and had a super touchy tummy, so it's better she went somewhere that she can be outside anytime she wants or needs.

We're entering the slow period at work and I'm bored every day. I can only read news articles so many times before I start reciting them from memory.

OH YEAH! I saw pics of Gail and Don's new baby boy, Cameron. He is SOOOOOOOOOO stinking cute! I just want to kiss those chubby cheeks so bad!

Emily got all A's on her report card except for Math, but she still managed a B. That's still good considering she is only in 6th grade doing 7th grade advanced and 8th grade standard math. She told me that she wants to be an archaeologist. She absolutely loves science and history, so it makes sense. I credit the hubby with her interest in history. He makes it interesting, even for me and I hate history.

Since the move the hubby and I seem to not be bickering like at the old place. It's amazing what will set off a silly argument when you're not happy where you live. Now if I could just pull him away from KoL at night... I've created a KoL addict! Damnit!

Missed KoLumbus this year. I was there in spirit. Wish I could have gone.

1 more hour to go...


Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Okay, time to feed the nicotine demon.

Until later, I bid you all farewell.

~Amy

My head is pounding so bad that now I feel nauseous. Sitting at work with basically nothing to do since we are now in the slow season. Thank God I'm smart enough to find ways around the Internet being "taken away" from us. So stupid. Have to go downstairs to use the community laptop to do research? I think not. I'll keep my Firefox installed somewhere they will never find it. Hmmph.

Hopefully the Advil kicks in soon.

Had our first Bears Chili Sunday yesterday. I'd have to say it was a success. I need to get more seating and more bowls. Or make it BYOB&B next time. (Bring Your Own Beer & Bowl.)

Time to go back to staring at the clock and wishing I was at home snuggled up in my pj's on the couch with a nice cup of hot tea.

All I'm gonna say.

Here's to peace and prosperity.

Online, smart people respond.

In person, smart people respond.

Online, idiots baleet/delete.

In person, idiots throw the first punch.

Obviously, you can tell the idiot because he can't respond.

Just an observation.

Take it as you will.

Back to the Cubs game. Fuck the (edited) Arizona DIAMONDBACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Three bagger? That was a triple!"

Yeah, I get the sarcasm,

I love you.

People who only post half of things said are fucktards.

People who attempt to call me a liar are worse.

People who insinuate that I'm an ass for marrying for love are ridiculous.

People who think everything said online is NOT a joke? Stupid.

People who send me a message then put me on ignore so I can't respond? Well, good-bye to you.

No, you can't see the sarcasm dripping off someone's lips in chat. It's hard to tell the difference.

Even if your entire life IS online chat. Which mine isn't .

( Cut to save you from scrolling too much )

Hope none of you are offended.

<3 Much love
Amy

On a side note, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send me all of your codes from 12 and 24 packs of Coca Cola products. Trying to get all the funky rewards I can...

If'n you're a KOL'er, you will be kindly rewarded. If'n you're not? Well, sorry! I'm broke, therefore begging for free codes.

<3

Yeah, I've been slacking.

Happy birthday Lynny, Amp & Feared Al. Also, early birthday wishes to the most wonderful MACNCHZ!!!

And anyone else I overlooked.

<3

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So... hubby has his refill of meds. Came home tonight, apartment is spotless.

He may have his bad moments, but when he's properly medicated, it reminds me of why I fell in love with him.

<3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsOLclApXHM

The hubby SWEARS it's fucking Lili Taylor (the screwed up mental chick from High Fidelity).

I say it's not. This chick is WAY too young. Lili Taylor is 40...

HELP ME DISPROVE HIM!!!

Please? *bats eyelashes*

It's 1:20 am and I'm still up because he had another one of his "episodes".

I can't fucking do this anymore. I have to get up early in the morning.

How many times do I have to be told that I'm a piece of shit pedophile lover?

For fuck's sake, I divorced him 8 fucking years ago.

As I've said, the only reason he has visitation is because one of his family members held a gun to my head and told me to back off on the sole custody issue.

I love him but I can't fucking take this verbal abuse much longer.

My life hasn't been all sunshine, rainbows and roses.

I thought he could make it that way.

Guess I was wrong.