Clarity's rantings and ravings

Life.

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 07:59:31 GMT

Don't get me wrong, since the whole almost divorce thing, he has actually been pretty good. But... I am still unemployed and bored out of my mind.

I have reconnected with some "true" friends I had while living in Iowa. As much as I despise Iowa, I am really missing my friends. Plus, I have a couple jobs waiting for me there. Sure, they don't pay what I made here, but yeah, price of living there as opposed to here, I could totally make it. Plus I'd be closer to my 2 older girls. Then I'd have a bigger say in their life decisions. Especially with my oldest. She is a BEAUTIFUL girl that has gotten her mind fucked up by certain men in her life. Men that take away her self confidence and self worth. So much that she thinks that showing off her boobies is a good career move. Her father isn't taking interest in her career choice, either is her grandmother that drives her to "work". When she lived with me, she got the proper educational help she needed. When she lived with me, she knew she was worth something. She got the proper psychiatric help she needed. When she went to live with her biological father, all she got was hatred and total control. He made her think she was stupid. Not following through with the extra help she needed in school. Not following through with the psychological help she needed after what happened to her. Now, she thinks that what her current man says is gold. I do NOT like her current man because of what he has been making her do.

But how do I tell my husband of 3 years that is trying so hard to make things good that I need to be closer to them??? If I said I wanted to move back, he'd do it in a heartbeat. But... he has 2 kids here that I don't really want to pull him away from. One he sees whenever he wants, the other he sees when she wants him to, but it's been over a year. She wants all the money and benefits, yet she refuses visitation. But we can't afford an attorney because all the money goes to her. Again, *sigh*.

Long story short, I'm finally happy, yet I'm not. Because of my 2 older girls and my worrying about them. My 2nd oldest is doing so well and is going to school, yet the man she is dating takes all her money because he doesn't work. Both girls are under the delusion that their "man" takes care of them, yet neither one of them work. Guess it's partly my fault because I stayed with their father that did the same thing with me for so long.

Guess it's my fault for not having the money to fight their decision to go back to Iowa with their fuck up of a father.

I will DIE before I let my Emily go with her dad. Other people will kill to protect her from her father. Those of you that are close enough to me to know about her father will understand why. Emily is a straight A student on the high honor roll. I must be doing something right with her. Yeah, this may sound lame, but I thank my husband for that. She is in the advanced math class. She's doing like senior high school level math and getting an A. Not because of me, but because of him explaining it to her so she understands. She will tell you the same thing. Without Chris, she'd be lost at math.

I despise the thought of living in Iowa again, but I really want to go back for my girls. They need me. He knows that and would do it for me. But... Iowa offers me nothing work wise. Iowa only offers me the chance to help my 2 older girls. I have offered both of them the chance to stay with me. But they both won't. Because of their ghetto boyfriends that make them feel worthless. So... I feel the need to move back and show them how shit should be. They work, therefore their men should work. Don't spend your Christmas money on your boyfriend. It wasn't meant for them. It was meant for you. My husband was disgusted to learn that every cent given to them was not spent on them.

So, my husband may have drank too much in the past and fucked things up. He has been making it up ever since. Sober sex is the SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, kiddos. What do I do? Do I stay here where there is no work for me at the moment, or do I beg him to move to Iowa until the economy recovers? I REALLY don't want to leave Chicago because I love it so much, but.....

Sorry for ranting.

<3
Amy

Another trying time.

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:23:07 GMT

He is now out of jail and able to attempt contact with me. I'm doing surprisingly well at being strong. What helps is my oldest daughter is here and my baby girl is back. Nothing makes you strong as love of family.

All I want is to get his stuff out of here and wash my hands of the whole thing. I keep remembering the good times, but then remembering all of the bad times too. There were a lot of bad times. More than I've ever experienced in my lifetime. It was always one bad thing after another. I think the man is seriously jinxed.

So the whiny story is that he has not want to drink anymore. He knows he fucked up and will accept what I decide. Yet he keeps sending me messages that he loves me and he's sorry, yada-yada. Don't wanna hear it. I'll give you your shit.

No, you don't get the damn car. No, you can't have the pug. You're lucky I'm nice enough to give you back your clothes, movies and computer. I could have called Goodwill and had them pick up the whole lot. But I'm not that mean. I have a conscience. I just want my life back. My HAPPY life back with all the friends that you alienated with your drunken actions. The life where I always had a smile on my face. You can't give me that. You don't make me happy anymore. The words you have said over the years still stick in my brain. My eye is still purple from the blow you dealt me. I will not live in fear of when you will take your next drink. Of the next time you decide to berate my past. I can't take the chance of you turning on Emily. I just can't.

I'd like to think we can eventually hang out as friends, but at this point I don't know if I can do that. Your life has been all about the good times and drinking. Mine is about my kids. My family. My friends. If for some God-forsaken reason I ever ended up in jail, I'd have at least 10 people there to bail me out because I haven't even come close to exhausting all my options. You have. Your are so close to the bottom that you could reach down and touch it. But I don't think you're quite there yet. You will keep spiraling until you kill yourself or drink yourself to death. I don't want to be around watching that happen. I don't want Emily to be around watching that happen.

Life goes on. Relationships begin, relationships end. Ours has ended. Deal with it and move on. Don't try to make me feel guilty about my decision.

Enough said for now.

So, I did it.

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 01:48:21 GMT

I finally told my parents. What made it harder is my dad just had to put his mother in a nursing home this week. I listened to his story about how everything came about and tried to be as supportive as possible. My grandmother is 91 and has been living by herself all this time. She is one extremely strong and independent woman, but since her brother died, she slipped into a funk. Laid in bed, didn't eat, just basically gave up. Depression does that to people, but I never expected it from her. She has always been a rock. But, considering that she can't move too well on her own, can't stand for too long, therefore making it hard for her to cook for herself, or even clean up, this was the only option they had.

After that, my dad asked how "we" were. Hardest thing I've had to tell them in a long time. But... he's an awesome dad. He listened to me without judging. Told me he loved me and that he was proud of me for being so strong. Then the phone was handed to my mom. I almost broke down in tears before I could get the words out. We talked for a good hour. She also told me that she is proud of me and that I shouldn't have waited so long to tell her. That I can tell her anything. I know that I can, but it's still hard for me to admit defeat yet again to my mother. Not that I'm afraid of being judged, or getting yelled at, just because... I really don't know how to put it in words. Growing up, I never feared being spanked or getting grounded. I was more fearful of disappointing my mom or making her sad. I love her that much.

Anyhow, just another day in the healing process.

Why?

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:42:12 GMT

It hurts. I hurt. Yet someone that I thought was a friendly shoulder does nothing but bitch about their situation.

So you drank on the job and robbed them blind. Therefore getting fired. Drink another 30 pack you stupid fuck.

Let's concentrate on me. Not your stupid redneck ass.

So not a friend.

Selfish motherfucker. Just like my soon to be ex-husband.

Drink yourself to death. Just like Chris. Revolve your life around alcohol. Just leave me the fuck alone. I have my own troubles. Much worse than yours.

Why the fuck does bad shit happen to me?

I'm a good person. Really.

Since then...

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:59:23 GMT

I can watch whatever I want on TV.
The TV is always at a reasonable volume.
I can make phone calls without being rudely interrupted.
I haven't bought ANY liquor.
I haven't had to pick up dirty socks off the floor.
There are no more dirty shirts wedged in the couch.
The kitchen is STILL clean.
There are no nasty facial hairs all over the sink.
I can find my razor.
No more loud snoring.
No mean comments directed toward me.
None of the lights get left on.
I don't have to play chauffeur anymore.
I paid a bill with money that normally would have been spent on booze.
No stories of how good life was with his ex-wife.
I can always find the brush and my hair ties.
No more slipping in the bathroom after he showers.
The toilet is amazingly clean, as is the floor around it.
No more wet towels left on the bed.
No more nasty alcohol death breath.
I'm reading again.
I can watch a movie all the way through without constant chatter in my ear about what movie they were in, which picture they directed, the meaning of colors in movies, etc.
I have had no desire to drink.
I'm looking forward to spending the rest of the summer with my Emily.
No more spilled drinks or spilled ashtrays.
I can see the top of my coffee table.
No more tripping over shoes in the middle of the floor.
No more food or food wrappers thrown in the kitchen sink instead of 2 feet away in the trashcan.
No more movies or games left out of the case and all over the floor.
No more re-living his "glory days".
No more watching the man I love(d) slowly poison himself.
No more worrying about "blackouts" and what the results will be.

I could go on forever.

But, I miss...
The intelligent conversations we used to have before the drinking got out of control.
His family. They were always so awesome to me and my daughter.
Playing Scrabble, backgammon or poker all the time.
Watching old movies together. Especially Cary Grant movies.
Laughing together over stupid comedy movies.

I can do this.
I can admit defeat in yet another marriage.
I can go on with my life and make it so much better.
I can be a good role model for my daughter.
I can make her life wonderful.
I can make my life wonderful.
I simply can.

Where do I start?

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 11:05:49 GMT

I guess I start by saying that I will soon be a single mom again.

I'm cutting because this is long...

In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, my husband decided that while in an alcoholic stupor, it was cool to punch me in the eye. This happened after hours upon hours of solid drinking on his part. I have been warning him that his drinking has gotten WAY out of control, but he wouldn't listen. Guess he'll listen now considering he is sitting in a jail cell with nobody willing to bail him out. This is what happens after years and years of drinking too much and having everyone finally get tired of it.

My first marriage was an abusive one and I refuse to let it happen again. He had been told that if he EVER physically hurt me, it would be the first and the last time. He's learning that the hard way.

I'm not going to lie, I am sad that things turned out this way. He was a decent guy when he wasn't drinking, but that wasn't often. I'm saddened that he chose to continue on his path to destruction rather than working on his issues to save the marriage.

So here I sit, still unemployed, with a massive black left eye, looking at a divorce. Again. I have to move because I can't afford this place anymore, plus already got the eviction notice. Had he not spent so much fucking money on his precious alcohol, maybe we could have made the rent this month. Surprisingly, my ex-husband is attempting to help. Granted, he wants me to move back to Iowa, but I can't go back to that shit either. He's sending enough support to help me get a new place that I can actually afford.

There are a lot of programs open to me now that I'm in this situation. Kinda sad that someone has to go through something like this to actually get help. Tried getting assistance before when we were sinking due to his surgery, but nothing.

My attorney will be free of charge. I can get assistance with rent/deposit if I want to fill out a metric fuck-ton of paperwork. I can get health insurance for my daughter. I can actually go get my nursing degree with most of it paid for now.

I'm trying to stay positive. Don't want to cry because it hurts my eye. I'm trying not to worry about him. He has most likely already lost his job since this will be the 2nd day in a row he hasn't shown up or called in. Really not my fault, but yeah, we were married for almost 3 years.

But, this is what happens when someone won't address their addiction issues. When they ignore all the warnings just because they need that buzz. When they have become so selfish and self-centered that loved ones are no longer a concern, but a bother.

What makes this harder is right now I am alone. Emily is still at her dad's, which is probably a good thing. She won't have to see my eye like this. I won't have to explain how it happened. She just knows that we're divorcing. Didn't ask why. Just told me that she loves me and is happy to have me to herself now. I must have done something right with that little girl. She is my world!

I hate this damn feeling in the back of my throat. I don't want to cry. I couldn't bring myself to sleep in my bed because it smells of him. Tobacco and alcohol with a hint of Pantene. Need to get some quarters so I can wash all the bedding. I fell asleep on the "comfy couch" last night around 11-ish. Been awake since 4-ish. I'm tired but my brain won't quit.

It's times like this that I wish my mom and dad were closer. They always make everything better. Still haven't told them. I'm scared to admit yet another failed marriage. If I had the money and a more dependable car I'd go see them. I don't know if I want my mother to see me like this though. She'll assume this has happened before, but it hasn't. The worst thing he's done up until now is bash my past to make his pathetic life seem less pathetic. That's what addicts do. They blame and they hurt the people they love for all the problems. They hurt people with words, which hurts more than a physical blow. They try to kill your self esteem to make them feel better than they are. But only for a moment. With each harsh word they cut a little deeper each time. Twisting and tearing until it's too late. Not realizing we get the last laugh. They keep spiraling down until we finally let go of the rope. They keep falling, we pick ourselves back up and move on.

I'm not saying that I was blameless in the deterioration of our marriage. I can be a bitch. No, really. But I usually have good reason for being that way. I just let things go too far. I put up with way too much. Going without things I wanted so he could continue drinking. I thought drinking with him would help. It only made things worse. The fighting increased. I started feeling bad about myself because I was drinking. So I stopped for the most part. Just a couple nights a week. Which was still too much. After this, I really have not want for the stuff. Some friends came over with beer to try and cheer me up last night, I turned it down. Alcohol is not an upper. It is a depressant. Why the hell would I want something to make me feel worse?

Anyhow, my pug is all snuggled up on my lap right now and it's getting a little uncomfortable. Time to return to the comfy couch and maybe try to get a little more rest. Need to make some phone calls later to find out where I file for divorce. I can't believe I have to go through yet another divorce.

I frigging HATE this weather!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 04:15:49 GMT

This winter has been absolutely awful. I can't tell you how many 2 to 4 hour trips to and from work I have had. My normal drive time is around an hour. I take Emily to see her dad for the weekend and what do you know... IT STARTS SNOWING ON THE WAY HOME!!! *sigh* Spring can't come soon enough for this girl! At least it's a little warmer than Thursday and Friday. It was so cold they canceled school both days. Of course I still had to work. Hmmph. Thursday morning I woke up to -17 degree weather. About 30 miles west of here it was about -30 not including wind chill.

Does anyone else in the midwest remember back in 95 or 06 when it got so cold that when you tossed a glass of water in the air it hit the ground frozen? Yep. I do. If it weren't for kids and family I'd totally move somewhere warmer. Not to warm though, I think I prefer cold to huge ass bugs! And snakes.

So... my cat scan revealed a "mass" in my liver and the veins in my ovaries are 4 times the size they should be. They said the "mass" was benign but they need to run more tests. Yep. Little bit broke here lately so the test will have to wait a bit. Doc says it's nothing too bad, yet. Yeah, the "yet" part scares me.

The hubby has been confirmed as having diverticulitis. It is draining into his urinary tract therefore causing major problems. More tests and doctor visits to come! This getting older sucks ass, I tell you.

Emily has been moved to 8th grade advanced math and is still maintaining a B+ grade. I think we have a math wiz on our hands considering she's only in 6th grade. Her last report card was friggin' awesome. So proud of that little stinker. She has really come out of her shell lately. So entertaining with all her little stories. I've never encountered a child with such an imagination as her. The stories she writes are amazingly detailed. She also reads constantly. Something I never really did as a kid. Probably because I was too busy with sports, band, vocal, cheerleading and all that fun stuff.

So tonight I stopped to drop off an energy drink to the hubby at work. I had to drive around the parking lot 3 times to find a place to park. Thank God he works for the one restaurant chain that is actually not being affected by this economic downturn. They're actually expanding. I don't expect to be picking him up until around midnight or so since they were so busy. The wait was over an hour when I was there at 6:30. Guess people like their unlimited salad and bread sticks.

I've been reminiscing lately about people I have known in my life. Have actually caught back up with a few people from high school. The cool ones anyway. Not the stuck up people that now have no life. Homecoming Queen is now 4 of what she used to be. Homecoming King is now unhappily married from what I hear. *shrug* I miss some of the people I used to talk to a lot, others not so much. It sucks when politics ruin things. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm basically happy with life as it is. I could stand having a little more money. In a few weeks my eldest daughter turns 18. I feel really old now! But, it does mean the end of the $87 a week child support. Of course I'll send money if she needs it, but that will definitely help the household finances.

On the new apartment, I HATE IT!!! Dining room and hallway lights won't work. They just make this buzzing sound when you turn them on and the lights flicker on and off. We can't control the temperature so it's either way too hot or way too cold, like now. We have zero water pressure so showers suck. Have you ever tried rinsing shampoo and conditioner out of your hair with barely a trickle? Trust me, it's not fun. The downstairs neighbors are constantly having parties into the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, makes me a little tired and grumpy the next day after getting no sleep and getting up at 5am to start my morning commute. There is vomit on the stairs that has been there for 2 days now. Now, if me or one of my family had an accident on the stairs I'd clean it up right away. That's just me though. Bah, enough of the complaining. We'll get out of here soon. Very soon, hopefully. Just have to talk the landlord out of our lease.

Sheesh. It's been a while since I've written anything on here and look what I did... I wrote a novel! Sorry for rambling on and boring you.

I'm going to go veg out on the couch and see what's on the TV until he calls for me to pick him up. Life sucks when you only have 1 car!

Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya'!

<3

Snowy Poetic Justice

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:34:32 GMT

As I'm slowly making my way to work in the wonderful snowstorm that Mother Nature has decided to bestow upon us, a 4x4 truck comes FLYING by me and splashing my entire car with nasty, slimy, dirty, thick slush from the road. He gets a middle finger from me then I go back to concentrating on my 35 mph drive.

I get up the Kennedy Expressway about a mile and the dumbass had spun out, hit the I-294 bridge and is now in the middle of the expressway, facing the wrong way with his smashed up truck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Oh sorry, I shouldn't laugh at his totaled truck.)

Stupid people that actually think 4 wheel drive is useful in these inclement conditions need to be put in their place once in a while. I hope he has good insurance...

Anyhow, I made it to work in less time than normal because traffic was a steady 30-35 mph. Made it to work in an hour as opposed to my normal 90 minute morning commute. Hmm. Maybe some of us actually LISTEN to the people on the radio telling us to either stay home if you can or keep your speed under 35. It's morons like that guy that drive our insurance rates through the roof in the Chicagoland area.

The snow is perfect snowball making snow. A little bit too wet for a snowman (boo-hoo). I have a feeling that the people who actually decided to drive in to work today may be having a little fun later this morning in the snow. Yeah, we're a fun bunch. Hence the reason that I stay even though my commutes can be a little trying at times.

Emily had her Holiday concert last night at 7pm. We were worried that when it was over we'd be buried in snow, but it didn't start until after we went to bed. She actually got to announce/explain one of the songs! She did SO GOOD! I am so proud of that little girl!!!!!

When we got home we had an awesome dinner waiting for us. Thick breaded pork chops, baked potatoes and green beans. A meal fit for a queen and her princess!

I suppose I should actually attempt to do some work today. Our Holiday party is this afternoon so I only have a few hours to get things done. I just had to share my little snow story though.

*hugs*
Amy

Have I mentioned lately I HATE SNOW?!?!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:03:26 GMT

Four hours to drive home last night. Mind you, my normal drive is usually around an hour.

This morning? Almost 2 hours.

Tomorrow? Yet to be seen. Supposed to get icy and snowy around 3pm. Great! I don't leave work until 4:30.

This has me really re-thinking the job 30 miles from home... The pay and benefits are really, really good and I love what I do. But those 4 hour trips home really make me think. Is it really worth a normal 2 hours worth of driving a day for this?

One thing stopping me is the economy. If I left for another company I'd be the newb. First in line to be cut. Here I've proven myself. They like me and the quality of work I put out.

Dunno.

Moving closer to work is an option because I need to be close to surrounding counties where taxes are a LOT less than Cook County.

Time for me to wrap it up. I'm done making up for being late due to the road conditions.

*hugs*

Random thougts.

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:40:27 GMT

I have a burn on the back of my right hand 'cuz I hit it on the side of the oven while removing the pizzas last weekend. It doesn't hurt but looks nasty. That'll leave a mark.

I am SO GLAD to finally be out of that Hell hole I called an apartment for over 4 years. I left a lot of crap I really didn't need. They can clean the shit up. I waited to have my carpets cleaned, never done, so I did it myself. I asked for the kitchen to be painted, never done so I did it myself. HUGE mirrored closet door fell on my daughter and shattered... asked for it to be fixed and/or replaced, never done. Garbage disposal never really worked. Light in the bathroom shorted out so I fixed it. The list is too long. Anyhow, let's just say I don't feel the least bit bad about leaving the mess that I did. 4 years, never late on rent, never caused any problems. Fuck 'em.

The new place is friggin' awesome! It's right close to downtown Palatine so everything we need is within walking distance. Even a Half Price Book store! *squee!* It's slightly smaller but compared to what we were dealing with, it's worth it. Had to get rid of our lab mix because the landlord didn't want any "larger" dogs. She was getting up there in age and had a super touchy tummy, so it's better she went somewhere that she can be outside anytime she wants or needs.

We're entering the slow period at work and I'm bored every day. I can only read news articles so many times before I start reciting them from memory.

OH YEAH! I saw pics of Gail and Don's new baby boy, Cameron. He is SOOOOOOOOOO stinking cute! I just want to kiss those chubby cheeks so bad!

Emily got all A's on her report card except for Math, but she still managed a B. That's still good considering she is only in 6th grade doing 7th grade advanced and 8th grade standard math. She told me that she wants to be an archaeologist. She absolutely loves science and history, so it makes sense. I credit the hubby with her interest in history. He makes it interesting, even for me and I hate history.

Since the move the hubby and I seem to not be bickering like at the old place. It's amazing what will set off a silly argument when you're not happy where you live. Now if I could just pull him away from KoL at night... I've created a KoL addict! Damnit!

Missed KoLumbus this year. I was there in spirit. Wish I could have gone.

1 more hour to go...

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Okay, time to feed the nicotine demon.

Until later, I bid you all farewell.

~Amy

Winter sucks.

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:52:07 GMT

My head is pounding so bad that now I feel nauseous. Sitting at work with basically nothing to do since we are now in the slow season. Thank God I'm smart enough to find ways around the Internet being "taken away" from us. So stupid. Have to go downstairs to use the community laptop to do research? I think not. I'll keep my Firefox installed somewhere they will never find it. Hmmph.

Hopefully the Advil kicks in soon.

Had our first Bears Chili Sunday yesterday. I'd have to say it was a success. I need to get more seating and more bowls. Or make it BYOB&B next time. (Bring Your Own Beer & Bowl.)

Time to go back to staring at the clock and wishing I was at home snuggled up in my pj's on the couch with a nice cup of hot tea.

GObama!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 04:24:59 GMT

All I'm gonna say.

Here's to peace and prosperity.

The difference between smart/educated people and idiots:

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:03:28 GMT

Online, smart people respond.

In person, smart people respond.

Online, idiots baleet/delete.

In person, idiots throw the first punch.

Obviously, you can tell the idiot because he can't respond.

Just an observation.

Take it as you will.

Back to the Cubs game. Fuck the (edited) Arizona DIAMONDBACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Same thing, dumbass!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:48:30 GMT

"Three bagger? That was a triple!"

Yeah, I get the sarcasm,

I love you.

In response...

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:30:24 GMT

People who only post half of things said are fucktards.

People who attempt to call me a liar are worse.

People who insinuate that I'm an ass for marrying for love are ridiculous.

People who think everything said online is NOT a joke? Stupid.

People who send me a message then put me on ignore so I can't respond? Well, good-bye to you.

No, you can't see the sarcasm dripping off someone's lips in chat. It's hard to tell the difference.

Even if your entire life IS online chat. Which mine isn't .

Wonder why I don't post much anymore? I have a life. A real life. I work my ass off and don't feel like hopping online and wasting my entire evening when I have to get up at 5am the next day.

Do I occasionally post a negative thing about my husband? Yep. Is negativity the only thing I have with my husband? Nope. It just seems that a lot of people, not just me, post only the negative. It's easy to pop online when you're pissed.

For all of you that have never had to deal with someone that has ADHD, I suggest you read up on it. Learn about how hard it is for the significant other to deal with something they have no living knowledge of.

So, as I sit here stuffed with the wonderful my husband prepared for me yet again, I will continue this rant.

I don't display things in public to make another seem villainous or stupid. I'm beyond that. I'm better than that.

I may rant about certain things that upset me, but I don't drop names. I don't want to hurt or embarrass anyone like that. Read what you want, but most things I write can be directed to anyone. Notice in this blog I don't mention anyone specifically. If you feel this rant is directed towards you, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But I won't call you out like that. I will deal with it PRIVATELY. I refuse to attempt to sway anyone's opinion of you. That's below me.

I don't judge people as severely as most others do. I don't let most comments made in online chat upset me. It's really not worth my time.

ABOUT MY HUSBAND
Pros:
- Extremely intelligent.
-Loving.
-Supportive.
-Listens to me.
-Doesn't make me feel stupid or inadequate.
-Makes dinner 99% of the time because he's usually home way before me.
-Helps my daughter with homework (she went from a C average to straight A's).
-Has the patience of a saint when I'm pissy.
-Loves my daughter as his own and never lets her think otherwise.
-Wonderful father (how many 14 year old sons do you know that will actually say they love their dad and will hug them in public?).
-Holds an Industrial Engineering degree and is only a few credit points away from having his Chemical and Mechanical Engineering degrees (graduated from U of Illinois Chicago with a 3.9 GPA).
-Understands that I work long hours and refuses to let me lift a finger when I have had a long/bad day at work.
-Lets me know every day, several times a day, how much I am loved and appreciated.
-Has had the same job for 5 years.
-Dependable.
-Honest.
-Well liked and respected by anyone that knows him in the real world.
-Is willing to accept my 2 older kids into our home with no qualms whatsoever (someone else told me that if they came back that they'd be gone).
-Has never raised a hand to me or my kids.
-My parents adore him, and they're hard to please.
-Makes me laugh at the drop of a hat, even if I'm in the bitchiest mood ever.
-Makes me happy to wake up next to him every day.
-Has an insane love of history, which I have always hated, and has actually gotten me interested in it. My daughter too. One of her favorite stations is The History Channel now.
-Is totally real, no airs or fakeness about him.
-Too many pros to continue...

Cons:
-Has ADHD which is sometimes a lot for me to deal with.
-Forgets where he puts things (again, a reflection on ADHD.)
-Tends to not realize that some people can't detect sarcasm, but really doesn't give a shit.
-Will latch on to a negative and bring it up during an argument.
-Sometimes leaves the toilet seat up.
-Sometimes stays up way too late.
-Doesn't use his degree to his advantage, but wouldn't you choose a different career path if every time you get a job in the field and fix their problem you get laid off?
-Snores.
-Talks constantly during movies.
-Can't really think of any more negatives. But some think his sarcasm in chat is a negative. Grow up and deal with it.

Anyhow, I could say so much more, but I really don't want to be online. I'd rather be sitting on the couch with my wonderful husband watching the Cubs game with no distractions.

Judge him if you want without knowing him personally. I'm happily married. Are you?

I know a couple of awesome people in Colorado will be soon! (Again, not dropping names...)

In conclusion, I will always choose my real life over anything on the Internet. I know who my real friends are. The ones that don't judge over a few comments on the Internet.

I love my life. I love my husband. I have awesome children and step-children.

I will most likely not be participating in any chat other than in clan on KoL. I don't need to deal with idiots any more than I do at work. I don't need to deal with childish behavior any more than I do with my daughter.

I wake up every morning knowing that life is good. Knowing that life is too short to dwell on negative.

I will speak my mind and hold nothing back from this point on.

I will not move in with a friend that is willing to help me, and mooch, then make that person look like a total fucking cunt because I don't want everyone to know I'm a lazy, slobbish, mooching piece of bat dung when they've finally had enough with my mooching.

I will also not publicly say anyone's name on any of my blogs. That's childish, immature and rather rude.

I will continue to be me. Happy.

Anyone that has ever seen me in any form of chat knows that I will NEVER disrespect anyone openly. It's either talked about privately or I will confront that person in a PRIVATE chat session. Sorry, that's how I roll.

If you see me post anything regarding me being upset at that moment, be reassured that it's always talked about like adults the following day. That's how you do things when you're married and really want to keep being married, happily.

Hope none of you are offended.

<3 Much love
Amy

All Your Base Belong To Me!!!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 00:16:08 GMT

On a side note, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send me all of your codes from 12 and 24 packs of Coca Cola products. Trying to get all the funky rewards I can...

If'n you're a KOL'er, you will be kindly rewarded. If'n you're not? Well, sorry! I'm broke, therefore begging for free codes.

<3

Belated birthday wishes...

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:54:42 GMT

Yeah, I've been slacking.

Happy birthday Lynny, Amp & Feared Al. Also, early birthday wishes to the most wonderful MACNCHZ!!!

And anyone else I overlooked.

<3

Maybe I need to lay off the caffeine...

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 15:55:58 GMT

You clicked 216 times in 30 seconds.

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Yay for meds!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 01:15:23 GMT

So... hubby has his refill of meds. Came home tonight, apartment is spotless.

He may have his bad moments, but when he's properly medicated, it reminds me of why I fell in love with him.

<3

Who the hell is the actress in this damn commercial?

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 05:25:42 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsOLclApXHM

The hubby SWEARS it's fucking Lili Taylor (the screwed up mental chick from High Fidelity).

I say it's not. This chick is WAY too young. Lili Taylor is 40...

HELP ME DISPROVE HIM!!!

Please? *bats eyelashes*

When is it too much?

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 07:23:03 GMT

It's 1:20 am and I'm still up because he had another one of his "episodes".

I can't fucking do this anymore. I have to get up early in the morning.

How many times do I have to be told that I'm a piece of shit pedophile lover?

For fuck's sake, I divorced him 8 fucking years ago.

As I've said, the only reason he has visitation is because one of his family members held a gun to my head and told me to back off on the sole custody issue.

I love him but I can't fucking take this verbal abuse much longer.

My life hasn't been all sunshine, rainbows and roses.

I thought he could make it that way.

Guess I was wrong.

So...

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:37:06 GMT

Things have been slightly trying on the home front lately but I'm dealing. I knew how he was from the beginning, the ADHD and all. Just be nice to go to bed with him on a regular basis instead of sleeping on the couch.

But, it's all good in the morning when my neck and back are in excruciating pain...

All I know is that if he can deal with my bullshit, I can deal with his. If he can deal with my kid's bullshit, I can deal with his.

It's called marriage, folks.

Sure, you may have seen nothing but negative posts on MySpace, but that was for him. To see what a jerk he was the night prior. To make him realize that I'm not someone that takes shit.

Anyhow, things are rather good around here. I still love my job. My kids rule. My husband is awesome when not having ADHD moments. Which I can deal with.

We also have the bestest pets ever. Especially our pug, even though she is extremely needy and constantly has to be on someone's lap.

So yeah, just because a lot of my MySpace posts have been slightly negative, it's only to make him see how much of a dick he has been while having one of his nights/days does not mean that I'm not completely and totally happy and in love.

I mean, come on... he cooks for me almost nightly. Not crap either. Good shit. Like swordfish steaks and stuffed clams. Obviously he cares enough to make me the most awesome meals, PLUS cooking something that baby girl likes.

Anyhow, I gotta pee now, then head off to bed. Yes, with my husband.

<3

Sucks to be sick!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 20:09:09 GMT

I've been sick for 10 days now and it's showing no real signs of getting better. Went to the doctor on Thursday and he gave me 3 different medications, which obviously didn't mesh well with the 2 I am currently on for my elbow thing. Had to go home on Friday after only 2 hours of work because I was extremely dizzy and kept throwing up. Doc says he thinks I was having an allergic reaction to one of the 5 meds I'm on. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! He suggested that I discontinue use of the cough medicine with codeine for now. That sucks since it's the only thing that stops my non-stop coughing at night.

All weekend the only thing I did was sleep. Woke up for a couple hours at a time, felt completely drained and dizzy again, then fell back asleep on my comfy couch. I feel horrible for neglecting my family, but on the other hand, I'm not much good to my family when I'm this sick. Obviously my body was telling me that I need to sleep off whatever this is, other than the double ear infection and sinus infection.

So, here I sit at work wishing I had my nice comfy couch, my snuggly blankets and my huggable husband. I can barely stay awake and am feeling slightly dizzy again. Going to be an early night at our house for me tonight. At least it's not "House" night. That would suck. Not being able to stay up for my most favorite show!

2.5 more hours until my 1.5 hour drive home. Hope I can make it! Thank God for the invention of Mountain Dew, XM Radio and power windows so I can feel the cold Chicago fall air in my face on the non-moving expressways.

I see other people on here going through some tough times and my heart goes out the them. Only thing I can say is, "Hang in there, kiddo, things can only get better." I also see a few actually having a good time in their lives. To them I say, "See, I told you to hang in there, you did, and it paid off!"

Much love to all!

<3

Yay! I got to meet my youngest stepson!

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 02:23:12 GMT

I don't even know where to start. We saw the little guy walking in to McDonalds and I almost started crying. He is the CUTEST little boy!

Dinosaurs go, "RAWR" and giraffes don't make a sound, they just lick at the leaves. He showed me that.

Trent had to sit by his daddy while he ate. Although Chris was not introduced as Daddy. That will come later once they get to know one another a little better. For now, I'm just so happy that they are getting the chance to bond again.

Now, about ketchup. Mr. Trent doesn't really like sauces, but he was still trying to use the ketchup that I had brought just for him. He would ever so carefully position his french fry over the ketchup container and stick the very end on top of it. Just enough to barely turn it red. Cutest thing I have seen in a long time!

He is just full of energy. We all got tired watching him go around and around in the play thingy. In the tube, climb up to the top of the slide, go down the slide and start all over again. He ended up with red, rosy cheeks and a sweat lined brow from all the running around.

So, Trent decided tonight to tell his mom that he had to go potty. First time, ever. She has been trying to get him interested in potty training, but to no avail. For some reason tonight, he decided he wanted to start. You should have seen the look on his mom's face when he told her he had to go. Total shock. I guess even though he wasn't told he was with his daddy, he knew. All it takes sometimes is for daddy to be there. Hence the reason I pushed so hard to have her allow Chris and Trent to meet without us paying $500 just to start the supervised visitation process.

Anyhow, everyone got along splendidly. Even Chris and Denise. Sometimes you have to drop your bad feelings for the sake of the child. Hopefully we can see the little squirt again sometime in the very near future.

I posted a few photos of the wonderful event on my photobucket account. http://s42.photobucket.com/albums/e339/CountessClarity/Chris%20and%20Trent%20meet%20again/ Enjoy! I know I will be enjoying that little boy as much as I possibly can. He looks so much like Chris it's scary. See for yourself.

Until later, have yourselves an awesome evening.

<3

Is it Thursday yet?

amy.smidl@gmail.com — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:11:36 GMT

I know, most people ask if it's Friday. Normally I do too. BUT! Tomorrow I get to meet my youngest step-son for the first time, but more importantly, the hubby gets to see him for the first time in 2 years.

He didn't think I could talk her in to it, but I did. Don't tell me I can't do something and expect me to fail! Silly man!

I will post pictures tomorrow night.

*dances around the room all happy and stuff*

Now, if the hubby would just hurry up and get home already!

<3